(Gay) Mormon Guy: On Being Real

(Gay) Mormon Guy: On Being Real

Everyone Needs a Good Cry

First off, I have to say how much I love Halloween.  That being said...

I have always been a very independent person.  I have always had a job because I associate money with independence.  I solve my problems by myself and keep my feelings to myself.  I don't do this intentionally...it is just how  I have always been.

There have been few times when I have been very emotional.  Tonight was so nice.  Emotions and feelings came to a boiling point and they flowed out of me.  I couldn't control myself.  I just cried and cried and cried.  What an amazing relief from the stress and feelings in my life. 

Why can't I have releases like this one more often in my life?  I hope I can. 

I am glad to go to church tomorrow.  I am happy to be who I am and have the experiences I have had. 

I feel alone

I don't have a ton of time this morning before I need to leave for work, but I know that I needed to write something here to begin my day well.  There is something very valuable about a righteous routine, especially when you are dealing with addictions and SSA. 

In the past two months, I have made some new friends that have helped me tremendously in my struggles.  They are people to which I can look  for council, help, and most importantly friendship.  I struggle with SSA because male to male interactions are very important in dealing with your struggles.  I need those male to male interactions, and although I am unsure why I need them.  I know that I do. 

In my mind, I make up stories about me and my best friend.  The life that we will have...and then reality sets in.  The gospel tells me that I must marry and have a best friend in my wife.  My feelings tell me that I want a best friend as a male.  Someone that understands me completely.  and then I am torn up inside because I know that I will never truly have the latter as I imagine it.

I love my life, and I love the people in it.  Sometimes like today when I feel alone, I wish I could have a best friend that loves me as much as I love him.

I Will Continue in Faith

My faith is everything to me!  Without my faith in Heavenly Father and the atonement of Christ, I would have nothing, and with that faith I know that I have everything.  When I think of my faith, I often feel guilt, because I associate my faith with my actions.  I would love to say that I was perfect.  I sometimes makeup stories in my head of what life would be like if I was perfect.  But I am not. 

The question for me is how I keep my wrong choices from affecting my faith?  The answer is that I cannot.  My faith and my actions are completely connected in ever way.  I have greater faith in my savior and his atonement when I am praying and serving others.  My faith in the atonement of Christ is lessened when I act against the light of the gospel. And if pride is present after I sin this is true.  But if I am humble after my actions, my faith can increase.  It can grow and I can learn and grow. 

I would love to think of myself as one counted with the meek that will inherit the earth.  But I know that I am mortal and prideful. 

I love my Heavenly Father!  He has given me so much in my life, and I am indeed blessed.  I pray that I can feel that love even when I turn from him and sin.  I know that the atonement has the power to not only take my sins from me, but give me the strength that is so needed in my life. 

The Exponential Feeling

Today in my first class we started to talk about a theory that dealt a lot with exponential growth.  We may have been discussing the life history of barnacles, but I quickly began to think about exponential growth in my life. 

In the scriptures it is repeated over and over that God and the spirit works line upon line and precept upon precept.  That may not be exponential growth forever, maybe not even the natural log, but that is how I feel right now.  I feel like I am growing exponentially at least for now.  Maybe I feel like I am growing exponentially because I feel happy...I associate happiness with success...and I have always thought of exponential growth models as successful...in general.

I realize that this is extremely weird; I am not unaware of my nerdness!

I guess what I am trying to say is that I am happy, and I am feeling success in my simple actions.  I am just trying to remind myself that I am struggling and to not let the success get to my head.  I am going to get off the blog, listen to a general conference talk, read some scrips, say my prayers, and get in bed.

Some Simple Thoughts

Most days at least once, I think about how much control Satan has on me.  I am addicted to sex, I enjoy watching porn, I love to masturbate, I love to be noticed, and I care about what others think of me.  These items all help in reminding me daily how much control Satan has over me.  That is up until 5 months ago. 

Five months ago I decided that I needed to make a change.  I always new what the change was going to be; I just didn't realize how difficult it would be.  I started very well and was happy with my progress.  I measured my progress in how many days since I acted out in any way.  Two months went by and then one night I couldn't take it any more and I masturbated.  Then the mind set of not caring began because I was no longer "perfect" in my goal.  I gave it up and started in my old habits again. 

What happened??  The answer is pretty simple.  I stopped praying.  I was doing very well, and I let the small successes go to my head.  Pride began to enter into my life again.  I stopped attending 12 step meetings, and before three weeks had passes.  I was fooling around with random guys.  Is this going to be the pattern of my life?  Is this what my friends and family will learn to expect from me..."Alex is doing well today, but we'll see what he is up to in two weeks."  I can already hear them saying it. 

Struggling with something so consuming, I cannot afford to be lazy for one day.  I can not afford to sleep-in and forget to pray and read my scriptures.  I cannot afford to be exhausted, hungry, or sedentary.  I cannot afford to give in to any temptation. 

I believe completely the promise given by Paul that with every temptation a way to escape that temptation will be given.  I think that the way given is often given before the temptation comes.  I have to take advantage of those opportunities to stay in control of my addictions.  My life depends on it. 

As I finish this rhetoric, I have to quickly express in words my feelings, so that I can read them at a time of difficulty.  I know that Heavenly Father loves me.  Because he loves me, he has given me trials that I may have the chance to use the atonement every day!  The atonement is real.  I feel its power in my life, and I see those feelings being displayed in my actions. 

I don't know what the future has in store for me, but I know that there is happiness and peace in a life in the gospel.  I am beginning to feel that peace in my life as my actions and heart are in lined with Heavenly Father's will.  Heavenly Father lives, Jesus is the Christ, and the Church of Jesus Christ is their Zion for me on earth. 

Good Friend!

What would this world be like without amazing friends?  ...I don't even want to think about the possibility of that.  I know that I have the best friends in the world!  It is odd as a guy with SSA to have so many close male  relationships.  Most men that I meet with SSA have some issues with male bonding and male relationships.  To some extent, I have those issues too, but they are not so profound because of my amazing friends. 

I have 5 best friends outside my brothers and sisters.  I have grown up with almost all of them since I was 5.  They are my buds, my wing men, my besties! :)  We have a ton of stories of  our adventures.  I love 'em.

My best friend is the only one that I have told out of my group about my SSA.  He took it so well; just like my family.  What I was most worried about when I told him was that we would never talk about it again...but we have.  It has been so liberating! 

I was thinking about my friends because we are all at that age when our lives are gettin more crazy and moving in different directions.  My best friend is getting married.  My other bestie got married last month.  One has a girlfriend, and I....have SSA.  I'm not bitter, I don't concentrate on it constantly, and I am not mad about it ....it just is what it is.

My life is great, and my friends and family make it great!  Thanks guys.  I love ya!

Life from Thursday to Thursday

I have begun to live my life from Thursday to Thursday.  I feel like Thursdays are usually my day of preparation.  The time given to me to equip myself with all the armor Paul talked about.  Thursday mornings I attend an LDS 12 step program for guys addicted to porn and sex.  I have to admit that it has been a long time since I attended the 12 step program.  It is at 6am...some times I don't mean to sleep in and other times I do.  But the idea is that I would like to attend the 12 step program every Thursday morning at 6. 

Thursday evenings I attend an Evergreen meeting for LDS men that are dealing with same sex attraction.  I love the meetings.  We chat about our lives and the facilitator reminds us to talk about our feelings...yea...

What I love is the friendship that I have with those men.  They are so good and faithful.  We all have our struggles there, but we are all proactively working on them.  I admire most of the men  in our group for their faith and courage.

I live Thursday to Thursday because I have a huge amount of time spent  with men that are in the same position as myself.  I feel accepted and loved.  I feel motivated and happy.  I feel like I have what it takes to win the battle in which I find myself.  Thank you to those men for changing and living the Gospel. 

This week I am coming off of one of the worst relapses I have ever had (because it was the first)  I am working on staying motivated and driven.  These feelings of motivation are quick to leave in my life; I need to learn how to keep them coming all week. 

Why???

Why is the only thing I can think of right now.  In President Holland's talk he discusses this.  Why???  I acted out tonight.  It is horrible.  Every time I act out I feel like I am erasing part of the happy future life I could have.  How am I supposed to go to group now.  I don't want to share this.  I feel like I have let everyone down.

Damn!

I am going to bed.  Tomorrow is a new day with a new chance to do well.

Group

I attend a group of LDS men that are in the same situation that I am in on Thursday evenings.  It is a great place where I feel comfortable and can share about my journey and what I am working on.  When I first joined the group, I was very apprehensive, but it has come to be a place of safety for me.  A place where I feel peace. 

I think that it is such a peaceful place for me because I am able to let my walls down and to express how I truely feel.  In writing that last sentence, I was not completely truthful.  I said that it was a place where I can express my feelings, but I can't really.  I don't remember the last time that I could tell you exactly how I was feeling.  I have become disconnected from my feelings.  I am working on that now. 

It overwhelms me sometimes that there is so much that I need to work on.  But then I remember that that is why we are here on earth.

Back to feelings....I sometimes feel...and when I think that I should be feeling...I typically am not.

Moments in my life when I felt something:
Grandpas' funerals
Grandma's funeral
Being lost in the woods at 8
Holding babies

At these moments I felt very much intune with my feelings.  I don't feel that way typically.  Sure I may get angry or sad, but not really.  I am in an emotional comma, and I am trying to find my way out.  It is sort of hard though.

Tonight at group Peter asked me a question.  How do I inspire others, and how do I inspire myself?  I need to think about that one a little more. 

The First Steps...

OK...Here it goes...I think I am ready to do this...I think.

As I was signing up for this blog with a fake name and email address, Blogger asked me for my birthday...I quickly thought of one.  June 6th, 2010.  What an amazing day!  Two days early was probably a day that I found myself in the darkest place I have ever been, but in a quick two days I found myself on top of the world.  I was ready to take on anything and make a change.  I realized that I was not going to ever be happy living the way I was.

I am 23.  I think it is a good age.  Scientists have proven that about every 7 years your body completes a continual process of regeneration and growth.  Technically I am in the beginning of my third life.  I don't have one cell left that was with me 7 years ago.  I think of this metaphorically as a time to change, after all...I am a new person.

I am LDS.  I love my membership in the church!  I love the Gospel of Jesus Christ as it was restored to the prophet Joesph Smith and as it is taught by President Monson.  I have a testimony and have always had a testimony of the truthfulness of the Book of Mormon and the church.  I think that is what makes me feel so deeply complicated. 

Why am I attracted to guys?  I am a fit, active, full of life young man....why am I attracted to guys?  Why have I been attracted to them for so long...since I was 12?  I don't know.  I don't know...

What I do know is that June 6th 2010 may have been one of the happiest moments in my life.  It was the day that I decided that life was going to change.  It was the day that I decided to man up and start doing what I knew was right.  It was the day that I began to grow up. 

Two days earlier I had done something that would have been unimaginable to my 12 year-old self.  I had acted out...in a major way and it wasn't the first time.  It feels good to write now that I know that it was the last time.

I served my mission in Europe.  Learned an amazing language and made so many wonderful friends.  I never had any problems with my attraction on my mission...why?  Probably for a lot of reasons.  I was busy.  I was doing the things that I knew I should do...praying, studying scriptures, and testifying.  Those were good years, but I still had so much to learn about myself and my attractions.

I could go on about my past forever...hopefully Blogger will last long enough to let me go on forever.  June 6th was a good day because I began to make a change.  I began to use the atonement of Christ in my life for the first time.  That was a good feeling.  It was a feeling of happiness and strength.  A feeling I hope that I can hold onto forever. 

Having same sex attractions isn't easy...but I am starting to see how much I can learn from them.  I am taking my first steps into the Refiner's fire.