The last few weeks have been good for me. I feel like I have learned a lot and grown from my last bout of acting out. I pains me to know that I messed up and that I have to return to the Bishop to talk about more, but I have learned so much. I understand again how much I want to change.
I know that the atonement is the reason that I am so happy today. It is actively working in my life to heal the pain that I feel from my actions. It is giving me strength to find new ways to satisfy my needs besides acting out. I would be lost without the atonement.
One more thing that I learned was that I have to take every day one step at a time. I have to battle to do everything I can to to the daily musts: scriptures, prayers, and journaling. They keep me grounded and safe. There is a scripture in Jacob that says that the Nephites did fortify themselves with their arms and the Lord their God and did become as yet conquerors of their enemies the Lamenites. Like the Nephites, I have to do all I can to fortify myself with scriptures, prayer, and priesthood blessings and to leave the rest up to the Lord. He will help to satisfy all those needs in order to help us conqueror our enemies if we do our part.
I have to do my part to conquer the enemy of my soul. It brings me peace to know that the Lord will take care of the rest if I will just do all I can to conquer my enemies.
I am grateful for all my experiences in life and for how much they help me to learn and grow. They give me opportunities to meet new people, serve others, and share the blessings of the atonement with others.
(I just have to give a good shout out to my good friend up in Utah. Bud you help me so much. I want you to know that....thanks!)
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Monday, November 8, 2010
Procrastinating the Day or my Repentance
I am going to be very open and honest in this post. I don't think that I have been completely honest in a priesthood interview since I was 12 years old. I hate that fact. I am mad at myself because of the lies I have told.
On my mission, I would often share the famous scripture from Alma 34:32. Every time I read that scripture in seminary, on the mission, and after the mission I felt guilt and pain because I was still procrastinating the day of my repentance.
I never confessed all my sins with a priesthood leader, because of the fear I had. The fear of how they would think of me. I am embarrassed to admit that.
Last night I was listening to Elder Ballard's talk, and he mentioned the verse from Alma. That guild that I had felt for the last 10 years of my life didn't come. I didn't feel shame for not procrastinating. I have began to change myself and my actions.
I have a great Bishop and I have laid it all on the table with him. I was even more worried about what he would think of me after I confessed because he is a very good family friend. But the pain of keeping it to myself any longer was unbearable. I knew that I had to be completely honest with him and begin the repentance process.
It isn't easy, but I have been so happy the last 5 months. I have made some big mistakes, but I have also made so great achievements with the Lord's help. This is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do in my life, but I realize that I am fighting for my eternal life. It is worth going through anything to know that sometime in the future my sins will be forgiven and I can find peace once again in the Lord's harbor.
On my mission, I would often share the famous scripture from Alma 34:32. Every time I read that scripture in seminary, on the mission, and after the mission I felt guilt and pain because I was still procrastinating the day of my repentance.
I never confessed all my sins with a priesthood leader, because of the fear I had. The fear of how they would think of me. I am embarrassed to admit that.
Last night I was listening to Elder Ballard's talk, and he mentioned the verse from Alma. That guild that I had felt for the last 10 years of my life didn't come. I didn't feel shame for not procrastinating. I have began to change myself and my actions.
I have a great Bishop and I have laid it all on the table with him. I was even more worried about what he would think of me after I confessed because he is a very good family friend. But the pain of keeping it to myself any longer was unbearable. I knew that I had to be completely honest with him and begin the repentance process.
It isn't easy, but I have been so happy the last 5 months. I have made some big mistakes, but I have also made so great achievements with the Lord's help. This is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do in my life, but I realize that I am fighting for my eternal life. It is worth going through anything to know that sometime in the future my sins will be forgiven and I can find peace once again in the Lord's harbor.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Hiding
I wonder if I hide behind my SSA?
This is a question that I ask myself often. SSA is right now a very large part of my life. I have addictions and habits that continue to make it a large focus in my life. Although I am learning how to satisfy my needs without my addictions, I still think about my SSA often.
About a year ago, I was dating a great girl. After about two months of dating and doing things constantly together, I knew that becoming exclusive was the next step. I couldn't do it...not for any fears of monogamy...but because I couldn't justify how I could date her and deal with my SSA. My addictions prevented me from wanting a more serious relationship with this girl. I couldn't take the sacrament or go to the temple, so I figured what is the point of getting serious with her.
In reality, I was hiding behind my SSA. I was scared of making commitment like that, and I used my SSA to justify why I stopped dating her. I am sad I did that. She was a great girl.
I have been more proactive about seeking out opportunities to date women, but I hate it. I enjoy going out and talking with different, great girls, but I would much rather be with a man. Often I tell myself that it isn't worth going out with a girl because I deal with SSA. This is me hiding behind my SSA again.
I need to take chances and love myself for who I am. I am making better decisions and am on the path to repentance, but I need to keep working on my relationships with women (which are non existent). I can't tell myself that it isn't worth it, because I know that I am worth it.
I hope that this post makes a little sense.
This is a question that I ask myself often. SSA is right now a very large part of my life. I have addictions and habits that continue to make it a large focus in my life. Although I am learning how to satisfy my needs without my addictions, I still think about my SSA often.
About a year ago, I was dating a great girl. After about two months of dating and doing things constantly together, I knew that becoming exclusive was the next step. I couldn't do it...not for any fears of monogamy...but because I couldn't justify how I could date her and deal with my SSA. My addictions prevented me from wanting a more serious relationship with this girl. I couldn't take the sacrament or go to the temple, so I figured what is the point of getting serious with her.
In reality, I was hiding behind my SSA. I was scared of making commitment like that, and I used my SSA to justify why I stopped dating her. I am sad I did that. She was a great girl.
I have been more proactive about seeking out opportunities to date women, but I hate it. I enjoy going out and talking with different, great girls, but I would much rather be with a man. Often I tell myself that it isn't worth going out with a girl because I deal with SSA. This is me hiding behind my SSA again.
I need to take chances and love myself for who I am. I am making better decisions and am on the path to repentance, but I need to keep working on my relationships with women (which are non existent). I can't tell myself that it isn't worth it, because I know that I am worth it.
I hope that this post makes a little sense.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Mornings and Days with Meaning
On my mission, I was very productive. I think that most missionaries on their missions are very productive...but let me reiterate, that I was very productive on my mission. I am not speaking of baptisms, but I am speaking of planning and time management. I planned every day of my mission, and new what I was doing for every half hour of every day of my mission. The only question that I can ask myself is What happened?
Life happened. My last post discussed how Brother Kearney stated that we must not let laziness and rebelliousness into our lives. Time management is one way in which laziness has crept into my life. I can be a very productive person. I am most productive with my to do list and a well thought out plan of what I need to accomplish. I am lazy when it comes time to sit down and plan.
The mission was nice because there was always a companion that helped me to plan when I had my spells of laziness. Here I have just myself. Today feels like I have turned over a new leaf. I don't feel like this is just another attempt at stopping my bad behaviors. I feel like my person and attitude towards those behaviors have changed.
I will update here on my planning sessions. I will talk about them with my groups, my family and friends, and my bishop. I will have accountability, and I will succeed.
That is all.
Loves!
Life happened. My last post discussed how Brother Kearney stated that we must not let laziness and rebelliousness into our lives. Time management is one way in which laziness has crept into my life. I can be a very productive person. I am most productive with my to do list and a well thought out plan of what I need to accomplish. I am lazy when it comes time to sit down and plan.
The mission was nice because there was always a companion that helped me to plan when I had my spells of laziness. Here I have just myself. Today feels like I have turned over a new leaf. I don't feel like this is just another attempt at stopping my bad behaviors. I feel like my person and attitude towards those behaviors have changed.
I will update here on my planning sessions. I will talk about them with my groups, my family and friends, and my bishop. I will have accountability, and I will succeed.
That is all.
Loves!
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Remembering General Conference
I love to travel. I have traveled my entire life and have been able to see a great deal of the world. I consider myself lucky in that respect. Because I was raised traveling the globe, I continue to emphasize the importance of travel in my life today. I make time for and I save money to do it. It is rewarding and gives my life adventure which I crave and need.
As I have been going to school this last year, I have not been able to travel as much as I typically do. I am fine with that, but I still make time for small weekends in California and Utah. I met a friend at General Conference this last October in Utah. It was a wonderful extended weekend.
I attended quite a few sessions of general conference, and I remember one talk in particular standing out to me. It seemed that everything the speaker said resonated with my soul. I was so motivated after hearing the talk!
(I am not sure what happened after conference that made me forget the talk so quickly and begin to act out again...)
Patrick Kearon talked about turning to the Savior for healing. He had a few very good small statements that I know I need to begin to implement, believe, and live in my life.
These comments and questions touched me while I was sitting in the conference center, and they touch me now. They remind me that I can never give up hope and that I can find peace through the atonement. They remind me that I must be honest with others, myself, and Heavenly Father in order to feel his peace in my life. They remind me that my earthly existence is not meant to be easy...it is going to be hard and I need to Cowboy up and learn from it! I need to be on the offensive in my life battling against the temptations that so easily beset me.
I needed to hear this talk again to remind me that I am not as lost as I feel. I have the ability to feel total peace in my life...but that peace won't come by being lazy and rebellious. It comes by serving, being humble, and building my relationship with my Heavenly Father. Peace will come into my life when I give my whole heart to the Savior and his gospel.
As I have been going to school this last year, I have not been able to travel as much as I typically do. I am fine with that, but I still make time for small weekends in California and Utah. I met a friend at General Conference this last October in Utah. It was a wonderful extended weekend.
I attended quite a few sessions of general conference, and I remember one talk in particular standing out to me. It seemed that everything the speaker said resonated with my soul. I was so motivated after hearing the talk!
(I am not sure what happened after conference that made me forget the talk so quickly and begin to act out again...)
Patrick Kearon talked about turning to the Savior for healing. He had a few very good small statements that I know I need to begin to implement, believe, and live in my life.
- I will always pay a price when I am lazy and rebellious.
- I think that everyone else is doing worse than me; I make myself an exception to the rule and God's laws.
- Do I hold back a portion of my heart from the Lord?
- I haven't thrown away my last chance.
- No one can find peace in a minefield.
These comments and questions touched me while I was sitting in the conference center, and they touch me now. They remind me that I can never give up hope and that I can find peace through the atonement. They remind me that I must be honest with others, myself, and Heavenly Father in order to feel his peace in my life. They remind me that my earthly existence is not meant to be easy...it is going to be hard and I need to Cowboy up and learn from it! I need to be on the offensive in my life battling against the temptations that so easily beset me.
I needed to hear this talk again to remind me that I am not as lost as I feel. I have the ability to feel total peace in my life...but that peace won't come by being lazy and rebellious. It comes by serving, being humble, and building my relationship with my Heavenly Father. Peace will come into my life when I give my whole heart to the Savior and his gospel.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Everyone Needs a Good Cry
First off, I have to say how much I love Halloween. That being said...
I have always been a very independent person. I have always had a job because I associate money with independence. I solve my problems by myself and keep my feelings to myself. I don't do this intentionally...it is just how I have always been.
There have been few times when I have been very emotional. Tonight was so nice. Emotions and feelings came to a boiling point and they flowed out of me. I couldn't control myself. I just cried and cried and cried. What an amazing relief from the stress and feelings in my life.
Why can't I have releases like this one more often in my life? I hope I can.
I am glad to go to church tomorrow. I am happy to be who I am and have the experiences I have had.
I have always been a very independent person. I have always had a job because I associate money with independence. I solve my problems by myself and keep my feelings to myself. I don't do this intentionally...it is just how I have always been.
There have been few times when I have been very emotional. Tonight was so nice. Emotions and feelings came to a boiling point and they flowed out of me. I couldn't control myself. I just cried and cried and cried. What an amazing relief from the stress and feelings in my life.
Why can't I have releases like this one more often in my life? I hope I can.
I am glad to go to church tomorrow. I am happy to be who I am and have the experiences I have had.
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