I wonder if I hide behind my SSA?
This is a question that I ask myself often. SSA is right now a very large part of my life. I have addictions and habits that continue to make it a large focus in my life. Although I am learning how to satisfy my needs without my addictions, I still think about my SSA often.
About a year ago, I was dating a great girl. After about two months of dating and doing things constantly together, I knew that becoming exclusive was the next step. I couldn't do it...not for any fears of monogamy...but because I couldn't justify how I could date her and deal with my SSA. My addictions prevented me from wanting a more serious relationship with this girl. I couldn't take the sacrament or go to the temple, so I figured what is the point of getting serious with her.
In reality, I was hiding behind my SSA. I was scared of making commitment like that, and I used my SSA to justify why I stopped dating her. I am sad I did that. She was a great girl.
I have been more proactive about seeking out opportunities to date women, but I hate it. I enjoy going out and talking with different, great girls, but I would much rather be with a man. Often I tell myself that it isn't worth going out with a girl because I deal with SSA. This is me hiding behind my SSA again.
I need to take chances and love myself for who I am. I am making better decisions and am on the path to repentance, but I need to keep working on my relationships with women (which are non existent). I can't tell myself that it isn't worth it, because I know that I am worth it.
I hope that this post makes a little sense.
I just found your blog today, and I greatly appreciate it. I recently decided to blog about my experiences with SGA. I've struggled so far with how to express myself and find the balance between dwelling on the terrible and focusing on the good.
ReplyDeleteI just want you to know that I am grateful for your righteous desires. The fact that you are making the choices to repent and overcome speak volumes about your spiritual strength, which may seem like it's hidden sometimes beneath your mistakes. That's how I feel, anyway.
It's been about 4 months since I was at rock bottom--acting out and engaged in all kinds of garbage. Like you, I made the choice to change my life, and that has been possible through living the gospel. I still have a long way to go, but things are already looking much better.
I'm putting a link to your blog on mine.