Most days at least once, I think about how much control Satan has on me. I am addicted to sex, I enjoy watching porn, I love to masturbate, I love to be noticed, and I care about what others think of me. These items all help in reminding me daily how much control Satan has over me. That is up until 5 months ago.
Five months ago I decided that I needed to make a change. I always new what the change was going to be; I just didn't realize how difficult it would be. I started very well and was happy with my progress. I measured my progress in how many days since I acted out in any way. Two months went by and then one night I couldn't take it any more and I masturbated. Then the mind set of not caring began because I was no longer "perfect" in my goal. I gave it up and started in my old habits again.
What happened?? 
The answer is pretty simple. I stopped praying. I was doing very well, and I let the small successes go to my head. Pride began to enter into my life again. I stopped attending 12 step meetings, and before three weeks had passes. I was fooling around with random guys. Is this going to be the pattern of my life? Is this what my friends and family will learn to expect from me..."Alex is doing well today, but we'll see what he is up to in two weeks." I can already hear them saying it.
The answer is pretty simple. I stopped praying. I was doing very well, and I let the small successes go to my head. Pride began to enter into my life again. I stopped attending 12 step meetings, and before three weeks had passes. I was fooling around with random guys. Is this going to be the pattern of my life? Is this what my friends and family will learn to expect from me..."Alex is doing well today, but we'll see what he is up to in two weeks." I can already hear them saying it. Struggling with something so consuming, I cannot afford to be lazy for one day. I can not afford to sleep-in and forget to pray and read my scriptures. I cannot afford to be exhausted, hungry, or sedentary. I cannot afford to give in to any temptation.
I believe completely the promise given by Paul that with every temptation a way to escape that temptation will be given. I think that the way given is often given before the temptation comes. I have to take advantage of those opportunities to stay in control of my addictions. My life depends on it.
As I finish this rhetoric, I have to quickly express in words my feelings, so that I can read them at a time of difficulty. I know that Heavenly Father loves me. Because he loves me, he has given me trials that I may have the chance to use the atonement every day! The atonement is real. I feel its power in my life, and I see those feelings being displayed in my actions.
I don't know what the future has in store for me, but I know that there is happiness and peace in a life in the gospel. I am beginning to feel that peace in my life as my actions and heart are in lined with Heavenly Father's will. Heavenly Father lives, Jesus is the Christ, and the Church of Jesus Christ is their Zion for me on earth.
No comments:
Post a Comment